
There are neurological impacts on a person when they experience any type of grief. The American Brain Foundation describes grief as a normal protective process that adapts your brain for survival in the face of emotional trauma. Those of us who have experienced that emotional trauma would describe this feeling as anything but “normal” since grief has quite literally taken all normalcy away from our lives. Grief isn’t just losing someone who has passed away, it comes in many forms, which is what makes grief the monster that it is. Some areas of grief are more intense than others which is why we typically only hear of it when someone has died - leaving their family and friends behind to grieve their loss. Some other examples include experiencing an injury or illness that alters your life, financial distress like filing for bankruptcy or losing your job, divorce or infidelity, being the victim of a crime, experiencing spiritual and emotional trauma from a power dynamic, and many others.
I’m sure that with some of the examples listed above someone is reading this, who has experienced at least one if not multiple causes for our hearts to ache. When you serve the all-mighty God, the existence of so much evil and manipulation can cause one to question His very existence, at least that's what happened with me.
The spiritual trauma of being manipulated and mistreated in a religious environment was something that I have been very open about on my podcast in the past. It was a grief process that I experienced within myself. I grieved for my job and for what I had been through and I grieved that what I had experienced tainted my view of church. However, that experience only brought me closer to God as I was able to seek him for understanding and ask him to build up a new passion within me. I was still able to put my faith in Jesus and remain steadfast in His work.
I had this naive understanding that no matter what the devil did to attack me it would have an adverse effect on me than he intended. Instead of driving me away from God, all these things just brought me closer. It wasn’t until I lost my sister that I truly felt the intention behind the enemy's attack. I felt my heart distance from God in ways I had never experienced in the days that followed her death. I was in this weird limbo, lukewarm state of mind where I wasn't sure where I stood with my relationship with God and I was still believing in my dad's physical healing. I had a false confidence that God was not going to take away my sister AND my dad in such a short amount of time.
Until, it did happen, and my world turned upside down. Everything I ever thought I knew about God was wrong. Every sermon I had ever preached, every blog I had ever written, every podcast I had ever posted, every prayer I had ever prayed… it all seemed so meaningless. It was a time in my life when I felt God’s presence lift from me and my whole world went dark. There was no more belief in a Heavenly Father than cared for me. With the darkness surrounding me clouding my vision, I re-created my image of God that went against His very character to the point when I convinced myself that God actually hated me. I want to extend grace to myself here by saying that this was a very valid emotion for me to experience in my time of intense grief. My heart was shattered by the only being capable of fixing it. God, broke my heart.
The spiral that took place in those days that follow can only be explained as someone experiencing intense, unrelenting, brain-altering grief where each day is a guess of survival but somehow you make it through the day.
This dark and lost feeling is what I like to call my "Roaming in the Wilderness" season. Where I roamed the desert without purpose or meaning and I suffered. Every moment, I suffered. I went hungry and thirsty and felt the void around me. Falling down a pitch black never-ending hole. I wondered day and night as the Israelites did in Exodus and I hoped that manna would fall so I could eat that day but who knows if it will and who cares anyway. We all die and if God can be so cruel as to allow what has happened to continue to happen then it makes sense that I'm suffering too. The battle within me raged and the devil sat back and laughed.
Everyone’s grief journey is different but for me, spending time at church fake worshipping a God I didn’t know if believed in anymore or sitting in a grief support group listening to other's tragic stories with impossible promises of “it gets better” was something I was unable and un-wanting to do. My relationship with my Heavenly Father was severed when I lost my earthly father and I just couldn't fake it with anyone much less with myself or with God. The Israelites roamed the desert for forty years - was it going to take me that long too?
It's a good thing we serve a kind and patient God. A God that desires a relationship with us more than he desires our worship. Have you ever heard of the advice that goes something like “The best person to talk to about the problems in your relationship is the person you're in a relationship with.”? My relationship with God was damaged and the only one I wanted to expose that brokenness to was Him. Much like one would do in a relationship with their spouse or loved one, I had to take my sorrow and my pain to the only other being in this relationship. I took my grief back to God.
I had to remember my roots, push past the lies and doubts I had been feeding into, and read His word. I still couldn’t pray and I found that worship was very hard but I could listen to my Bible app play a few chapters each day and so that’s exactly what I did. Slowly, day by day, a few chapters at a time, God began the diligent work to mend the broken pieces of my heart. Now, I don't want to give the impression that this was an overnight success... it wasn't and still isn't. Relationships, especially serious ones, take lots and lots of work. Sacrifices need to be made for a relationship to be successful, it just so happens that our sacrifices are now and His was on Calvery.
This part of my journey is still spent in the Wilderness but instead of roaming a desert with no meaning or purpose, I'm using that time to re-learn what I know to be true about my Savior. We see it often in the gospel when Jesus would spend time away from his disciples in his own wilderness, fasting and praying to His Father. Jesus did spend time with others, preaching to multitudes, and tending to the sick, but he also knew that there were times when He required time in the Wilderness to seek the Lord and work on their relationship.
Not everything we use to cope with grief is bad. Many of these wonderful things are tools for us to process our hurt in a healthy way through therapy, grief support groups, and church but nothing can restore your relationship with God except for Him extending His love and you accepting it. There are still open gashes in my heart for the loss that I have endured. Many cuts and bruises, evidence of unimaginable endurance and strength, AND evidence of God's beautiful grace which carried me through. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, taking steps forward towards the clearing of the Wilderness hand in hand with Jesus I emerged from the Wilderness a different person.
This was such a beautiful share of raw truth. Thank you being transparent. Loss is inevitable but I am thankful that God has seen you through to the other side. Your life is such a Blessing to so many!