Finding Self through EMDR Therapy and a Trip to New York
- victoriaholloway07
- May 1
- 5 min read
Trauma makes you anxious. It took what was once a confident girl and turned her into a nervous wreck. Sometimes, it’s obvious trauma like grief, and sometimes it's trauma that your brain has blocked out from memory.
Years before experiencing any significant loss, I had taken what I thought at the time to be my dream job. A position where I was serving the people in my community and doing work for God, at the same time, I sat in offices under the authority of many different people and was berated and yelled at for both mistakes of my own and things that were out of my control. I remember the last time something like this happened, I was crying in the office of my superior while they scolded me for various reasons, as I sat there with my head hanging down and tears streaming down my face, there was a brief moment when I decided that this would be the last time I allowed someone to speak to me this way. A bold thought to have with very little willpower to do anything about it in the moment. That would in fact not be the last time I allowed someone to speak to me that same way, however, I was able to stop and acknowledge that how I was being treated was not right, and for me, that was the first step.
It would be five years later before I did my first EMDR session with my therapist. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a form of therapy specifically designed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder, and became a unique option for me after my diagnosis for PTSD following the death of my sister and dad. EMDR is an intense form of therapy where you put yourself in a safe environment and allow your brain to reprocess the trauma you’ve experienced. It’s emotional and hard, but so worth it in the end.
What I failed to realize while processing my conscious and subconscious trauma was that it affected me a great deal more than I was aware of, hence the reason I would sit quietly while being yelled at in my workplace. But this especially became true for me when it came to men and dating. Losing my sister triggered me to live life quickly and lower my standards to feel any form of connection, whether good or bad; anything was better than the incredible void that was left inside me when she died. Losing my dad took away the protection of a father. I am blessed to have a lot of good things to say about my dad, and while he was not perfect, I could always count on him to remind me of my worth. With that person gone and no one to fill his shoes, I was left vulnerable to abuse.
I battled with my insecurities growing bigger and bigger with each passing day. Measuring down my worth into small measurements of earthly matters. I was ignoring God, disassociating in my relationships, and seeing my self-value dwindle completely until I began to believe every single one of the lies told to me since I was a little girl. The things people say out of anger and the things people say intending to hurt me stuck to me like glue, it weighed me down and it destroyed the Victoria that existed before. During EMDR, my therapist guided me to revisit those tragic moments when I was told something about myself that wasn’t true. We replaced those lies with affirmations of truth, and I slowly began to feel my chest lift, my shoulders set back, and my head held a little higher.
I pictured myself as a little girl in my childhood bedroom. I pictured all the evil things that were said about me, the things that I was clinging so tightly to as facts, and I looked at this little girl… I would never call that girl any of those cruel descriptive words that I had thought about myself for the last decade or so. That little girl deserved the chance to become anything she ever wanted, and adult me was responsible for making that happen. During our session, I was reminded of an old VeggieTales episode I used to watch when I was a child, where the main character is given these talents but when he tries to use them people mock him and paint their mean opinions of him and place those heavy papers into his backpack - the main character eventually meets his creator who removes those ugly drawings and replaces them with his own. It was a beautiful reminder to me during my session that I was no longer required to hang onto any of the opinions of others, and it was a sweet moment where God reminded me of something from my childhood while working to heal that insecure little girl inside of me.
Leaving therapy that day, I was tired, but felt this complete sense of relief come over me. The weight of lies was gone, and instead was replaced with true and Biblical affirmations. So what does all of this have to do with New York? You may ask… Well, a month after my first EMDR session, I had booked and paid for a weekend trip to a place I’d always wanted to visit, New York. At twenty-seven, it was my first solo trip where I booked every activity completely for myself.
To spend an entire weekend strictly to benefit myself was huge for me and my confidence. Not only did I prove to myself that I was capable of experiencing the things I’ve always dreamed of doing, but the only person I had to look after for that four-day trip was me. It reminded me of the extreme value I hold and helped me set a new standard for myself that I’m unwilling to waiver on again. Now, I’m not saying a trip to New York will solve all your problems, but what I am saying is that when you take the time to remind yourself that you deserve better than how you are allowing yourself to be treated, a whole world of possibilities will open up for you. The trauma that once took control over your nervous system will have less and less effect on who you are becoming.
My experience in becoming secure with myself came from within who I already am. That’s powerful. No matter what has happened to you or been said about you from others, what you think about yourself is far greater and has a deeper impact than anything else. So my number one tip for people just starting this journey is to make space for yourself. Start small with weekly solo dates, including local and easily attainable things you’ve always wanted to do and try, and grow with it into something like a solo weekend trip to New York. Creating that space for your soul to be free within yourself is healing. The second thing I always suggest to anyone is to talk to a therapist or counselor about your trauma, it has been by far the most effective way for me to approach healing. My therapist and I built trust over time before jumping into an EMDR session. It took time to get to a place where I could face those demons, and it will take you time to do the same. Trust and love yourself enough to try.
Attached below are some resources that have helped me along this journey, including the VeggieTales episode I referenced in this blog.
VeggieTales Episode:
Therapy Resources for local seekers:
Trauma Resources:
Book Resources:
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