You Should Go to Therapy

You Should Go to Therapy

I first noticed my depression while I was employed as an administrative assistant at a mega church. I remember feeling so much shame for being depressed thinking that because I had a good life, a good family, and was working the job that I had prayed for, I wasn’t allowed to have these feelings. Unbeknownst to me at the time, there were much deeper wounds that were manifesting to me in a way that I had never noticed before. I say “never noticed before” because when I first attended counseling at the age of 20, my brain still not fully developed, there was no way for me to know how these deep wounds had manifested in my life as a child. 

The church I worked for offered free counseling, I now see the conflict of interest, but at the time it felt like the safest and only place for me to go. Therapy was still very stigmatized both in my professional life and in my family. Therapy was for sick people, people who could not manage their emotions and were “crazy.” We were taught to take our worries to God through prayer, Bible reading, worship, and fasting. Going to a counselor was considered a waste of time and taking medication for our symptoms was ludicrous. I sat down in this room and told the childhood trauma that I could remember at the time, (which did not include the sexual abuse I endured as a child, that would come later) and how I felt like it had affected me into adulthood and most importantly how it was affecting my relationship with God. Tears were streaming down my face as I recounted events to a stranger for the very first time. When I was finished, she quickly looked up at me and asked

“Is that it?”

When I said yes, she replied with “Oh, that’s not that bad, I’ve heard so much worse.”

I was devastated. Shame consumed me. There was a sexual abuse piece of my childhood that 20-year-old me had not remembered yet and that one sentence from a counselor would delay my inner healing for many more years. I walked in confusion for years after this one counseling session and shame walked beside me every step of the way. The shame I felt for my body, my past, & my future was all consuming and attached to my hip.

In the four years between my first and second therapy session, I quit my job in vocational ministry, lost majority of the “friends” I had made their due to the high-control environment of a mega church and was slipping deeper and deeper into a depressed state. My Google search history was full of searches like “How do I know if I have depression?” and “Am I depressed?” and “How to fix depression?” I struggled with my feelings and because there was still a large stigma on therapy, I continued my life like nothing was wrong, while internally everything was wrong. One night, during a desperate and personal prayer session, at the age of twenty-four, God revealed the abuse to me in a memory. As the pieces of the puzzle of my childhood, slowly started to come together, I sat in my room and sobbed. Finally, I was getting some answers on why I was the way that I was. 

I researched counseling centers and found a local christian center where I met with a therapist and went through the childhood trauma spiel again, this time including my new revelation of sexual abuse. I was anxious that this therapist would say the same thing as the last and completely invalidate my feelings. Thankfully, she did not, instead she recommended me a book that I have covetted and gleaned from ever since. The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allendar, provided me be hope as an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse. It’s a book that I am currently re-reading and a recommendation I make often. (I will link at the bottom of this blog.) Shortly after my first session with my new therapist, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, shortly after that my sister passed away and well if you’ve been reading my blogs for some time, you know the rest of the story. 

My inner work on my sexual trauma was paused again, this time because of grief. The depression that took over while grieving was a different kind of beast. It was a beast that I had not faced before and it demanded all of my attention. 

At the start of this year with a new therapist who I love and has been with my through my grief journey, we started reading Dan Allendar’s book together and working through the accompanied workbook - this year i’ve been able to make steady progress in my recovery. I’m thankful that I didn’t give up when I was first told that what I went through “wasn’t that bad” and that I gave myself chances to find a therapist that worked for me, even though it took several attempts.

If you’re around me for longer than ten seconds, you’ve probably heard me talk about therapy because it has drastically changed the trajectory of my life. God lead me to these places so that inner healing could take place and so I would be prepared to help guide others who have experienced similar trails. Therapy has been God extending out his hand to me, pursuing my healing, and providing me a way to reconcile my trauma and grief.

If you’ve never been to therapy or have had a bad experience like me, I encourage you to give yourself the chances to succeed. Healing cannot be rushed, it’s a lifelong commitment to yourself, and it requires a therapist that can walk that commitment with you. Keep fighting the stigma and keep searching to find the inner healing. You deserve it.

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The Allendar Center is a great resource for adult victims of sexual abuse. There you will find many resources to begin the important process of inner healing.

https://theallendercenter.org/